Unfair

My life is so unfair. My sister who dropped out of college was just rewarded by having my parents buy her a car. I on the other hand have made honor roll most of my high school career graduated with a 4.3 gpa recieved a scholarship and am in still in college yet my parents wont buy me a car. My parents made a deal with me, if i recieved a certain amount of money for college they would buy me a car, well i got more than what was required of me and my parents refused to buy me a car. Yet she drops out of school and gets a car! What sense does that make! I try my hardest to be the best and she doesnt yet she is the one who always gets rewarded. I get nothing and she gets everything. I am so sick of it!

Decisions

It's funny how you can love something so much one semester and not love it the next semester, but that is my situation. I loved Wingate the first semester, I mean really love it, but second semester arrives and there has been so many issues going on. I lost friends and there is so much drama and I cannot stand it anymore. There are other reasons for my sudden disdain for the college I am attending, I am Catholic and all my friends are Protestants and although not all of them judge me, sometimes it feels like they do all the time. They are truly great people don't get me wrong they would have my back in an instant but religion is such a MAJOR part of their lives and while I love God, I don't think He plays that major of a role in my life, and that could be because I am from the North. Down South the first thing someone asks you after your name is what religion you are up north you could know a person for years without knowing what religion they are, and what denomination so I think its how I grew up. I miss the North and I no longer want to feel as if I am the outcast. I think Wingate was a good thing for me, it allowed me to see that I could make friends and that I am worthy of friends, but this last semester has had me doubting as to why I always seem to lose some. Maybe I am not that great of a person, and maybe thats why I don't have a boyfriend. Maybe I am not a nice person. Either way I don't know if this is a good place for me anymore. Depending on if I get into the school back in New York will decide on whether I come back next semester, But I don't know if I can physically or mentally do it anymore. If I go back to New York I can commute, live with my grandparents and see my father everyday, if I stay in NC I wont because my mother doesnt know I exist. Well maybe I am over exgagertaing but I get lost in the shuffle between my two sisters. I am the middle child and like many middle children often feel neglected by my parentsm, which is not their fault but there are things they could have done differntly, or kept their promises more. Today I wanted to go home but my mom would not pick me up since I live 3 hours away because of my college. But my offered to drive me to her house if my mom would pick me up. I truly believed that my mom would say yes because she knew how hard of a time I have been having yet she said no because she does not know the area and she did not want to get lost. I understand that but I could have given her directions and if anyone of my sisters wanted to go my mom without a doubt would have taken them. I'm the good one, the one that does not need anything, the one who gets lost in the shuffle so if I go back to NY the attention will be on me because it will just be my dad, me and my grandparents and even if i have to dorm I would be home every weekend since the college is only 30 minutes away.

Made my day

So since the last time I wrote on my blog I have been having some hard times filled with drama, which i do not want to discuss. I will only say that when I came to college I thought I left middle school antics behind me but i guess not. However since the drama began I have been down in the dumps. I do not really like Wingate University anymore because it is too drama filled as well as it does not have a fantastic history department (the history department stinks). I kind of want to transfer next year and go back to New York. The only problem is my friends....

My friends are the best in the world and I would do anything for them as would they for me. If I am to stay (which is most likely the scenario) it would be because of them. Next year will be so much better because we will living together in an apartment which I am really excited about! Oh so I have been down in the dumps and just not happy. However my friend Kathryn wrote me a letter and sent it me in the mail. So when I went to check my mail I found a letter from her and it just made me smile and realize how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends who truly care about me! Her note to me just made my day and gave me a whole new perspective on college. It may not be the best college for my major but it was the best college for me to go to because I made some great friends.

About Me

001. Real name →Kayla Turner
002. Nickname(s)→ Kay
003. Zodiac sign → Scorpio
004. Male or female → female.
005. Elementary → Woodward Parkway.
006. Middle School → Howitt
007. High School → Saint Anthony's /cardinal gibbons.
008. Hair color → brown.
009. Long or short → In between
010. Loud or Quiet → quiet.
011. Sweats or Jeans → jeans.
012. Phone or Camera → camera.
013. Health freak → pfft no.
014. Drink or Smoke? neither.
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → not telling
016. Eat or Drink → neither.
017. Piercings →One set.
018. Tattoos → nope.

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane→ yup.
020. Been in a relationship → yes.
021. Been in a car accident → no.
022. Been in a fist fight → nope

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → earlobes.
024. First best friend →Michelle
025. First award → best student.
026. First crush → dont know kindergarten.
027. Where did this go? nothing
028. First big vacation → Mexico in 2002

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to → friends
030. Last person you texted → Becka.
031. Last person you watched a movie with → friends.
032. Last food you ate →yogurt.
033. Last movie you watched → head over heels
034. Last song you listened to → The rush
035. Last thing you bought → Special K bars
036. Last person you hugged → Mom.

FAVES:
037. Food → eggplant.
038. Drinks → ice tea
039. Clothing → American Eagle
040. Flower → rose
041. Books→ The Morning Gift.
042. Colors → pink.
043. Movies → the Notebook .
044. Subjects → history.

IN 2008..... I
045. [] kissed someone
046. [] celebrated Halloween
047. [x] had your heart broken
048. [ ] went over the minutes on your cell phone
049. [] questioned someone sexual orientation
050. [ ] came out of the closet
051. [ ] gotten pregnant
052. [ ] had an abortion
053. [] done something you've regretted
054. [ ] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [x] met someone who changed your life
058. [ ] pretended to be sick
059. [] left the country
060. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [ ] ran a mile
063. [] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [] got into an argument with your friends
065. [] hated someone
066. [x] done something good for someone else

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating → nothing.
068. Drinking → nothing.
069. I'm about to → homework.
070. Listening to → nothing.
071. Plans for today → shower homework sleep
072. Waiting for → nothing.

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → yes.
074. Want to get married? → yes.
075. Careers in mind →lawyer

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
076. Lips or eyes → eyes.
077. Shorter or taller? → a little taller.
078. Romantic or spontaneous → romantically
079. Nice stomach or nice arms → nice arms.
080. Sensitive or loud → sensitive
081. Hook-up or relationship → relationship.
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts →yes
084. Ran away from home → yes
085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense → no.
086. Killed somebody → ! no!
087. Broken someone's heart → nope
088. Rejected someone's call on purpose→ yeah
089. Cried when someone died → yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself → not all the time
091. Miracles → yes.
092. Love at first sight → If there is a such thing as love at first sight it has not happened to me.
093. Heaven → of course.
094. Santa Claus →nope
095. Sex on the first date → no. Not until marriage
096. Kiss on the first date → no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → yes.
098. Do you believe in God → yes.

Blessings in Disguise

You ever been in a situation where you dont want to be in but realize once it began that you needed it, that God wanted you to be there. Well it has happened to me! This weekend is a long weekend because of Martin Luther King Jr day. I wanted to go back home and spend the weekend with my family but my mom refused to pick me up since it is a total of 5-6 hours for her to drive since my parents wont let me take a car to school. Well I was so mad at my parents for making me stay at Wingate when everyone else was going home. However because I stayed I got to hang out with my best friend who I believe I was drifting away from, which was making me very sad. We have spent the whole day together and I have realized that nothing has changed between us we are just busy so I will make more of an effort to spend time with her.

Also I have been having these weird and distrubing dreams which I will not go into detail with because it would not be good. When I woke up from these dreams I was inmensely confused because I knew I should not be having dreams like that. However looking back on these dreams it did not realize what I did in these dreams with someone the basis of the dream instead was that I am worth loving and that I am beautiful. I know that it was in some crazy weird way God telling me to have confidence in my self because someone will love me. I think it is also a sign to move on from the things that will never happen because if I remain fixated on what I soley want I could be missing out on something great. Now my something great has not come yet but I know when the time is right God will send me it to me. I just have to keep my options open and realize what I want sometimes is not in God's plans for me and that I should not ruin any relationships I have with anyone because of hopeless dreams. When you let yourself be open to new things, things you thought would never happen just might but I am no longer concerned with what ifs anymore because

I know that God has my back and that I am blessed even if i dont realize it half the time. Sometimes it takes something as staying at school on a long weekend or a strange unexplainable dream to remind us that God is giving us signs and we just have to look for them. Looking back on the past two weeks I can now see the signs God was trying to show me but I was to worked up on insignifcant things to see the message of God, so he caught my attention a differnt way. From now on I will be more open to the magnificant power and message God has for me in his plans. I will no longer be upset with the little things I can not control because God has a plan for me and I just have to learn to follow Him where ever He may lead me. Because God will catch me when I fall and He will always pick me up when I am at my lowest point. Its like the poem by Mary Stevens Footprints in the Sand. God is always with us even when we dont know about it.

Self Esteem

I wish there was a way to be more confident in who we are as people that the world did not have a stereotype of what beauty truly is. I look in the mirror consistently and only see the imperfections, I see someone who does not fit into the category of "Beautiful", when in fact we all are since we were created in the image of God and therefore no one is ugly. There are some days that I am filled with confidence and other times I look at my friends who are so beautiful and wish that for once I was pretty. While what I am going through is normal because lets face it no girls is ever 100% satisfied with what they look like, it still stinks. I think that because on almost every magazine there are women who are society's definition of beautiful it makes me question whether or not I will ever find a guy who will find me truly beautiful both inside and out. While I know this is a vain want, I have often struggled with finding who I truly am and excepting me for who I am. I never think that I am pretty and that makes me sad. I had a friend who wrote this to me "No one is ugly kayla! God creates everyone, therefore, they are beautiful. It doesn't matter what the world thinks" and while he made a good point it is still hard to accept. I know that because I am a child of God I am beautiful but it would be nice to hear the words "You are so beautiful or pretty" from anyone. I have had people tell me I am not ugly but I have never had anyone besides my family tell me I was beautiful. I also understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but how long am I going to wait for the person who God wants me to marry and serve Him (God) for. Not long I hope.....

Wingate Times

So last night was a very interesting night here in Alumni. It began with going to Breathe, which if you don't know is a worship service held at Wingate. I went with my roommate Jessie and our two friends Ryan and Brian. After Breathe I went to my friend Callie's room, my friend Kathryn was also in the room trying to show Callie a new way home. After a little while Brian and Ryan came up on the girls hall and went into Callie's room to hangout. We were all having a fun time laughing a joking. Brian who is a little bit of a neat freak realized how dusty the ceiling lights were in Callie's room so he took it upon himself to remove the metal part of the light which freaked Callie out. Callie then wanted to put the light back up so Brian and Ryan made her do it herself. There was a whole bunch of yelling and loud noises which if you were not in the room could have been questionable to hear. It was really funny to be watching this but then something happened which I missed so I did not get why all my friends were laughing until they explained it to me. However while it may have been hilarious to see it was not quite as funny when it was explained to me.

The next adventure happened when I went into my room to get my toothbrush. As I unlocked the door to my room I noticed Brian and Ryan right behind me. Immediately I knew that they were up to no good so I tried to prevent them from entering my room. That did not really work so well and I ended up on the floor while Jessie was awaken by Ryan and Brian jumping on her bed and pulling the mattress off. Eventually it quieted down and Jessie realized that her new phone was missing. Both the boys denied taking the phone but Brian ended up hiding in one of the rooms. Somehow around midnight Ryan "discovered" the phone under Jessie's bed. However someone had to have had the phone because it texted me. But whatever the case be it was an interesting night.

It is nights like these that I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to attend Wingate. If I did not apply here I would never had met the people who I consider my closet and most dear friends. I feel like I can tell them anything and for the most part it is kept a secret and no one judges me. I can be who I am and not worry about who is talking about me behind my back which I can honestly say I have not felt that way for years. I truly love all my friends and cannot picture going to another college and meeting people half as good as they are. I feel as if God has truly blessed me and continues to teach me new things about myself and about my faith through my friends.